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collection of email forwards
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ONE LINERS
authors unknown
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My favourites of the one-liners and quotes that circulate in emails, mostly gacked from Nga and Ernie.
- Save the whales! Collect the whole set.
- Preserve wildlife. Pickle a possum.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
- Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
- All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
- I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
- The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
- My mind's made up. Please don't confuse me with details.
- I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter.
- It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
- Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
- Do I look like a freakin' people person?
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
- Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
- A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
- It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
- Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn (This one reminds me a lot of a classic Pratchett passage:
"We had a bit of trouble on the way over. I keep telling him, it’s rape the women and set fire to the houses."
"Rape?" said Rincewind. "That’s not very -"
"He’s eighty-seven," said Cohen. "Don’t go and spoil and old man’s dreams."
-- Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
- A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
- Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
- The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Is life a multiple choice test or is it a true or false test?' Then a voice comes to me out of the dark, and says, 'We hate to tell you this, but life is a thousand word essay...’ - Charlie Brown
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Noel Coward
- Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
- Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. - Matt Groening
- Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, them I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions? - Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
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