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collection of email forwards
ONE LINERS
authors unknown
 

My favourites of the one-liners and quotes that circulate in emails, mostly gacked from Nga and Ernie.

  • Save the whales! Collect the whole set.
  • Preserve wildlife. Pickle a possum.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels donít get sucked into jet engines.
  • I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
  • Support bacteria. Theyíre the only culture some people have.
  • All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
  • I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  • For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Always remember youíre unique, just like everyone else.
  • The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
  • My mind's made up. Please don't confuse me with details.
  • I'll try to be nicer if you'll try to be smarter.
  • It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
  • Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.
  • Do I look like a freakin' people person?
  • Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
  • I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  • You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
  • A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
  • It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  • Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn (This one reminds me a lot of a classic Pratchett passage:
    "We had a bit of trouble on the way over. I keep telling him, itís rape the women and set fire to the houses."
    "Rape?" said Rincewind. "Thatís not very -" "Heís eighty-seven," said Cohen. "Donít go and spoil and old manís dreams."
    -- Terry Pratchett, Interesting Times)
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  • Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
  • Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
  • A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
  • Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
  • I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
  • The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
  • Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Is life a multiple choice test or is it a true or false test?' Then a voice comes to me out of the dark, and says, 'We hate to tell you this, but life is a thousand word essay...í - Charlie Brown
  • I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Noel Coward
  • Outside a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde
  • Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. - Matt Groening
  • Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, them I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions? - Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey