Before you read any of the following, I hasten to say that I don't believe in horoscopes (really, what is the chance that around half a billion people born under the same star sign as me are going to have a similar week?!) Anyway, my future is firmly in God's hands. But for those who read on, please remember that these articles are written in fun and are not actually accusing you of anything.

Not Your Typical Astrology Column

from The National Times (1978)

The following came in across the transom:

"The surge of belief in astrology continues unabated as millions of Americans study the stars for guidance in leading their daily lives. What follows may look like your typical astrology column but it offers somewhat atypical analyses of those born under the various monthly signs.

Perhaps the most mysterious of all is the source of this particular prospectus. Widely, though anonymously circulated in California, it fell into the hands of the San Francisco magazine Mother Jones, whose editors claimed it had been found by a "janitor at the Suicide Prevention Center". The original author, however, has yet to step forward and accept true responsibility, perhaps for fear of retribution by true believers, if not by the stars themselves."

ARIES (March 21-April 19):
You are the pioneer type, and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination, and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are a communist.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21):
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for incest.

CANCER (June 22-July 21):
You are sympathetic and understanding about other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.

LEO (July 22-August 21):
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.

VIRGO (August 22-September 22):
You are the logical type and hate disorder; this nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.

LIBRA (September 23-October 22):
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely queer. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are good prostitutes. All Librans die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (October 23-November 21):
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21):
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagitarrians are drunks or dope fiends. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN (December 22-January 20):
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any great importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long, as they take root and become trees.

AQUARIUS (January 21-February 19):
You have an inventive mind and are ingenious and possesive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be reckless and impractical, therefore you make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.

PISCES (February 20-March 20):
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influences over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisceans do terrible things to small animals.


Your Horoscope for Today
lyrics by Al Yankovic for Ear Booker Music (BMI)

There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day

Try to avoid and Virgos and Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what the idiots at work say

The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep

You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your bosses face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavoured pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realise that every single one of them is true.

Where was I?

A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak

All your friends are laughing behind your back - kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person...but you know they're lying
If I were you I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today!